The Grumbles – The 40 Perils

And these are things that we as diners are all guilty of from time to time. Will hopefully entertain a little

For Customers For Restaurants

1) Arrive more than 30 minutes late for a booking or if you can’t make it just don’t turn up

2) Spark up.

3) Ensure the staff are treated as if their sole purpose in life is to serve you.

4) Engage in loud conversation so that your fellow diners are aware of your importance.

5) Complain in front of as many people as possible.

6) Ask for more salt and pepper.

7) Visit as part of a large group and get drunk before you go.

8) Don’t pay the service charge, after all it’s not the law!.

9) Examine the cheese board and ask for three cheeses they have not got, same for the wine list.

10) Ask for more.

11) Expect something ‘off menu’ to be prepared as you’re a special customer

12) Tipping is for mugs.

13) Negotiate, offer to pay half.

14) Send back a dish if it’s not up to scratch, but only after you’ve eaten it.

15) Clunk your plate up and down if not cleared within 60 seconds.

16) Ring in advance of a fixed price evening to negotiate better terms.

17) When you attend a chef’s table and they ask if there’s anything you don’t eat, list as many things as you can.

18) Pint of beer please.

19) I’ve booked the taxi for 2.30am, is that ok?

20) But I always have table 11.

21) Tell the restaurant manager, at some length, about your luxury lifestyle.

22) Go to the toilet between courses and spend a good 20 minutes in there.

23) Ask for souffle after you’ve finished your cheese..

24) Hit on a waitress

25) Drink until you need to be carried out or be sick on the carpet.

26) Be the last to arrive for service

27) Walk out if you’re not happy, but only when full and knowing they’ll remember you.

28) Faint if the price ever goes up.

29) Arrive before service has begun, those team meetings are really interesting.

30) Expect treatment out of the ordinary every time you go.

31) Prove you are bilingual.

32) Ask for a signed copy of the menu from the chef as a keepsake.

33) You’re helping them appreciate respect by being rude and abrupt.

34) Tell the restaurant manager it’s your birthday or anniversary and expect him to blink.

35) Tell them with ardour that their Guide ratings will surely get better and talk about worse places when they don’t.

36) It is a right to expect a table every time you turn up on spec.

37) You can’t be too careful, ask for all types of meat very well done.

38) Write to the chef and copy a guide when the front of house screws up.

39) I’d like a low fat, single shot, decaf cappuccino, hold the mayo and make it snappy.

40) Let the manager know you share the same barber and petrify him about his indiscretions.